


did i do well?

by trulylalisa



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Brainwashing, Choking, F/F, F/M, Forced Orgasm, Imprisonment, Overdose, Psychological Torture, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, might get a lil messed up idk, noncon, please be aware of these tags. and be safe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-08-25 16:10:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16663954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trulylalisa/pseuds/trulylalisa
Summary: saeran contacts mc before the explosion occurs.canon-divergent.please heed the tags. it is important for your safety.





	1. the beginning

when you had first entered the chatroom and ray had entered at the exact same time, you had instinctively moved your thumb to leave the room, but curiosity took over you and before you even knew what you were doing, you typed.

 **MC**    
Ray?

 **Ray**    
Thank god…

 **Ray**    
You haven’t left yet… 

 **Ray**    
… the screen is blurry

 **Ray**    
Because my eyes are bleary from tears.

if you were being honest with yourself, you would’ve told yourself that you weren’t already struggling with how to formulate a response. ray had been crying, was crying, and you were sitting here with jihyun, and there was literally nothing wrong with you – you weren’t suffering. jihyun was sleeping, and you were sitting beside him whilst luciel was off in the other room with vanderwood and working.

and you were just … sitting.

 **Ray**    
I miss you so much..

 **Ray**    
I wish…

 **Ray**    
I could go back to the time

 **Ray**    
when I first met you…

you can feel tears stinging at the back of your eyes, can feel your lips pressing together and your heart clenching in discomfort when you would hold your breath for longer than your body deemed safe – but you never once tear your eyes away from the phone screen, fearful that if you do, he will have left the chatroom. jihyun moves a little beside you, but he only turns to his side.

 **Ray**    
…and

 **Ray**    
My savior…

 **Ray**    
If you don’t come back

 **Ray**    
our paradise…..

 **Ray**    
won’t exist anymore in this world…will it?

 **Ray**    
I shall carry on

 **Ray**    
Your last wishes.

 **Ray**    
Thank you for saving me.

 **Ray**    
Though it was very brief, I was happy at your paradise.

you decide not to type. it’s obvious he’s talking to rika, and you know you shouldn’t be giving him the opportunity to when all luciel wanted was for his existence to be rid of, and rika was a sore topic for all of the rfa, but you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him to stop. the tears are falling stronger, and your breathing becomes harsher by the second as you realize what he’s trying to do.

quickly, you look to jihyun. he is stirring awake, and you pray for him to stay asleep, to remain ignorant to what you are feeling at this current moment. his eyes open though, and he looks at you. you look back at the phone, to conceal the tears. instead, you give him full view of how you’re shaking. you can feel the sofa dip a little from where your back is pressed against it and you try but fail to ignore it. your thumbs tremble as you wait for the messages.

 **Ray**    
And …

 **Ray**    
My ___…

taking a harsh breath, you type. you can’t make yourself form a full response, and all you can give is a pathetic sentence.

 **MC**    
Ray, it’s all over now….

 **Ray**    
It is…

 **Ray**    
I’ll miss you a lot.

 **Ray**    
Well then…

 **Ray**    
Goodbye. For real.

 **Ray**    
MC.

[Unknown has exited the chatroom]

without even being given the chance to apologize, to beg for him not to do whatever he was about to do, he leaves the chatroom and you are left in silence, with jihyun now sitting up and looking at you. he’s saying something, but you can’t hear him. your heart is beating too hard, too fast, and you can’t understand what he’s trying to say. you look at the window and you stand on shaky feet, jihyun weakly grabbing at your hand, but you stumble to the window and you look outside. your suspicions turned out to be correct, because the orange tint in the sky makes you stop breathing. you can see the faint traces of asphalt in the sky, and jihyun is standing beside you.

when you start crying, it’s more of a small whimper at first. but then it becomes a sob, and then it sounds like you’re screaming but jihyun is pulling you against him, his arms around you, and part of you registers the fact that you are hitting him, your hands are in fists and you’re punching against his chest weakly but jihyun doesn’t do anything. 

luciel comes in, vanderwood trailing behind him – but you don’t realize that they’re there. you scream until your throat is hoarse, until you’re so lightheaded that you can’t stand and jihyun, along with luciel and vanderwood, have to pull you over to the chairs to sit you down. and even then, you continue to cry, because you think about the time that ray kept telling you that he was afraid of you leaving. you remember telling him you’d never leave him, and yet here you are – away from him.

jihyun lays you down, he hands you a pill and makes you take it whilst he helps you drink the water to wash it down. you don’t fight it, feeling the effects of the tablet quickly. you fall asleep on the chair, and the last thing you can hear is jihyun telling you softly that it’s okay, and luciel running towards the door with vanderwood trailing after him.

…

when you wake up, the room is quiet. you’re laid on the sofa near the fireplace, wrapped in a blanket that jihyun no doubt had put over you. speaking of jihyun, he was by the fire and was warming his hands. still, you could see the shaking in his hands, the weariness in his eyes and you knew that he had suffered much more than you are sure you did.

“ah…” you try to move, but jihyun stops you from doing so. you want to yell, to tell him that you’re okay, but instead you just whimper and lay back down. jihyun kneels down beside the sofa and looks at you. it only takes a couple of seconds for you to remember what had happened and why you had been forced to sleep in the first place and your eyes well up with tears again, fingers clenching at the blanket.

“jihyun… he’s – is he?” 

“…. he is.”

you breathe in sharply and your hands start shaking, you try to hide it but he catches it before you can do anything. he holds your hand tightly and he’s saying something, and you want to hear but you can’t because it feels like something is blocking your ears. jihyun lets go of your hand, lifts his hand to your face and rests his palm on your cheek.

“breathe. everything is okay.”

“---it’s not… i promised him i wouldn't leave. i told him that it would be okay. and i left him."

"you had to."

"no. i didn't!"

you pull away, and you stumble as you get up again, trying to rush outside of the building, but this time you're not stopped. jihyun looks helpless watching you leave, but his hand lingers in the air instead of grabbing for you, and even saeyoung doesn't look like he's going for you. vanderwood looks a little less hesitant, even rushing forward to try block the door, but you're out before they can stop you.

"let her go."

...

you reach mint eye, but your legs collapse under you and you fall to your knees as you register the entire building in flames, almost all of it already darkened by the heat and breaking apart. you whimper, your eyes filling with tears, and you can't hold yourself anymore. you don't even try to stop it.

you cry.

"i'm so sorry i was too late, saeran."

you were too late.

"i love you."

you loved him.

there's a chime from your phone. you startle, your hand grabbing for the phone you thought you left behind.

**Saviour**

Saeran... you're free.

it's not your phone.

there's a voice from behind you, unmistakenly female and you tense, but you turn to her and you see the black dress, flowing in elegance, whilst her eyes stare down at you. you're a reflection of each other, both teary, both trembling. she holds her hand out to you, and you look at it.

with saeran's phone in one hand, you reach up and grab hers, sobbing.

she pulls you in and your head rests upon her shoulder.

"he can't comfort you like i can. come with me."

you do.


	2. the control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> saeran is gone. 
> 
> you killed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long. i hope it's worth it. i'll be posting a final chapter after this one. i love you all, thank you for being patient. and enjoy the chapter.

**tw for: _choking, vomiting, forced masturbation, noncon everything pretty much._**

~

rika had taken you in, cradling you, protecting you from everyone. you thought jihyun could save you and could save saeran whilst he was at it too, but he had allowed you to leave and let you fall back into the enemies hands. at this moment in time, you wondered if you had it all wrong. perhaps jihyun was bad. perhaps he was the reason you were suffering, and rika was trying to save you. after everything the rfa had tried to do, you came away with it with the message that they didn't care. you vaguely remember being told mint eye was a cult.

if they were a cult, then why was the leader trying to help you so religiously? her hand was soft against yours, and though her eyes indicated sadness, they also shone in happiness, comfort in the fact that she wasn't alone and had you. it was the first time you felt wanted in a while. your hand tightens in hers. you gradually become tired, and she gives you something to drink. you drink it without looking at it, glad that rika was so considerate to have brought something. jihyun wouldn't have. you both walk in silence. you become tired, and you want to say something, but your slurring and rika is smiling a little bit.

you fall over, and the world grows black, with the last thing you manage to see being rika's comforting smile.

...

when you wake up, the room you're in is dark and you can't move any part of your body. you move your arm and it's bound to the bed, and it seems like your ankles are too because when you try to move them to push yourself up safely, they struggle to move under the pressure as well. so you stay quiet, and lay there whilst trying to figure out what happened last before you ended up here.

your eyes close, and you’re falling asleep again but before you can there’s a bang at the door, followed by heels clacking against the floor. you sigh, open your eyes, and you look at the intruder, seeing rika standing above you. you’re silent. rika? hadn’t jihyun and saeyoung saved you from her?

you swallow hard and lean into the bed a little. “saviour?”

you decide playing along is the only way you’ll escape unscathed.

rika says nothing, but offers a glass with a straw poking out. you hesitate but drink it, though instead of the welcoming freshness that water  _usually_ brought, it was bitter and made her choke, gagging at the unfamiliar taste. shortly afterwards, having swallowed some, you begin to feel queasy and rika runs her hands through your hair, your lungs feeling constricted. 

it takes you a moment to remember saeran’s words, that the elixir was something that hurt, that he’d never want you to drink it. you almost throw up just from the thought that rika had given you that, but rika covers your mouth when you begin to gag and you’re fairly sure she doesn’t care whether you choke or not. your eyes water, and she only sits down beside the bed and forces you to stay on your back.

“do not struggle. the sooner you accept this, the sooner you’ll be able to roam free.”

you want to cry. you want to spit at her. but you think of saeran. 

“saeran is gone. you killed him.”

you’re sure that’s what sets you off, your body struggling to turn to its side, but just about managing before you throw up all over yourself. rika looks disappointed, before she stands. she moves to leave the room.

“we need to keep giving her higher doses. lower doses will take too long.”

the disciples nod, bow, and then leave to retrieve more of the elixir.

“i’ll be back. try not to choke.”

...

somehow, you’re alive. you’re almost surprised, but the stench of vomit having dried into the sheets and your clothes make you feel nauseous all over again. you’re not left alone for long, disciples coming in, and quickly undressing you to remove the dirty clothes and sheets, leaving again as if it was their only mission.

you’re left naked on the bed, your face red with embarrassment and you twist a little to try to cover yourself with your hair, or at least just to conceal anything from whoever may come in. it’s when you notice a camera that you whimper fully, but it seems no one is going to come in, and you sure hope that no one is on the other side of the camera, listening, and watching.

there’s dried vomit around your mouth, and you cry out when you tug your arm a little too far, the handcuffs a harsh reminder of your status. you’re a prisoner. and rika was the one who was doing this.

your mind travels to jihyun for a moment, guilt quickly dismissing your discomfort and you relax against the bed for a moment, tears filling your eyes. why did you leave the house? saeran was important, yes, but jihyun now had to deal with this. part of you wonders if you’ll be able to convince rika that you were brainwashed when in reality, you were faking it - but there would be no chance that rika would believe it after just two doses.

despite them being fairly large, you’re certain it wasn’t anymore than a normal antibiotic dosage in just one day, so whilst your minds hazy, you can still understand and comprehend. but the door slams open and the light travels in, and suddenly everything hurts again. your eyes squeeze shut and rika walks to you without closing the door.

“ah,” rika muses, looking over you. you’re curling up in shame, wanting to at least bring some sort of privacy to yourself. rika smirks, and sets her palm on your abdomen. you whimper and shake your head. you don’t know why, but you’ve got a bad feeling about why rika is here. your body and mind is warning you, but you can’t fight because your limbs are bound and your words are jumbled, and no matter how much you want to say  _no_ , you can’t.

vaguely, you feel her hand travel down to where you  _don’t_ want her to be anywhere near, her fingers exploring your private area, and you whimper, pulling your knees together. she grits her teeth and her other hand now moves to keep your thighs apart, and she roughly circles the pad of her index finger against your clit.

you’re shaking before you know it, your body rushing through a rather uncomfortable and painful orgasm, your abdomen spasming as you try to come down, but you’re left alone before you can even say anything or do anything, and you’re left ashamed, tears filling your eyes once again at the thought of rika. 

...

eventually, you stop fighting back. it’s not like you could’ve at first, but you sure as hell would’ve tried. but you start to feel something else in the midst of the pain. and it feels a hell of a lot like pleasure, and that scares you. it scares you more than you’d like to admit, but you moan when rika comes in to pleasure you, and the telling grin on her lips lets you know she’s pleased with the results.

you drink the elixir willingly when she offers it to you, her mouth pressing against yours, the liquid being shared - you’ve come to realise that you like that. when you moan, she smiles, gently so - and continues to spend time with you. 

you’re eventually allowed to leave the cell, allowed to the room you can vaguely remember from a year ago, but now you can only remember it as being the place that rika, and only rika lives. saeran still comes up every now and then, but you don’t think twice. the elixir is offered again and you drink it.

one day, you’re in the throne room and you’re sitting in front of the throne, on your knees, her legs spread with you between them. you do your best all the time to pleasure her, just like she did all that time ago. rika only grabs your hair and pushes you against her further, and you almost can’t breathe but you don’t mind. if anything, you wouldn’t mind dying if it meant that rika would be happy.

...

there’s a knock on the door when you’re on your back, rika with her hand around your throat and there’s something mildly arousing, but mostly scary about it. your hand is wrapped around her wrist and you’re submitting but it doesn’t mean that your legs aren’t fighting back, that your eyes are filling with tears and your face is turning red from the strain of trying to get any breath in.

rika keeps her hand tight as she calls for the person to enter.

her hand falters, and you gasp in a breath of air, the tears shedding and your coughing hard, you can’t turn around onto your front yet, rika still straddling with her hand still loosely around your throat. you can’t help but look over yourself, and you don’t quite follow for a long time. 

your throat is hoarse and your voice shakes when you speak.

“jihyun?”


	3. the missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....So, I lied. There's actually going to be another chapter. Though it's more of an epilogue, so long story short... this is now a series. Of some sort. That's nearly over xD

**tw: abuse, trauma, vomiting, very vague (graphic descriptions skipped) withdrawal**

when  _he’d_ arrived, you had been escorted back to your room by some of the believers that had survived the explosion after having been guided away, and your throat is starting to feel worse without rika’s cold grip. you can imagine how the bruises would bloom within the next few hours, already having dealt with them before to know just how they would burn. it would become painful later, but for now you could deal with the hoarseness of your voice.

when you’re in your room, you’re left alone with the company of silence, and you lay down against the bed, curling up easily. why was jihyun here? you didn’t have any explanation for it either, because you honestly thought he would’ve forgotten who you were by then. part of you starts to wonder if that means the rfa has been looking for you too, but for some reason you start to doubt that. perhaps it’s just jihyun and saeyoung’s effort. 

just the thought of not seeing rika if they succeeded in taking you back was making you tremble, the fact that you wouldn’t be able to see the one who’d been taking care of you since saeran had died. it made you angry. jihyun was trying to take you back from someone who’d taken you in to protect you. the bruises were there, but only because rika wanted to let everyone know that you were hers. it wasn’t abuse, it wasn’t torture, you had convinced yourself you liked it.

you liked the hands around your throat, you liked each slap, each yell of abuse, each sip of the burning elixir, feeling it as it made your mind hazy, and making every bad feeling feel  _amazing_. perhaps that why you enjoyed being hurt, because you were conditioned to it. you don’t even care. you want rika’s arms to wrap around you again, squeezing until you can’t breathe.

you want her to hurt you.

you fall asleep, feeling almost lonely without the feeling of hands around your throat, without the threatening grip around your wrists. 

...

you wake up to a loud bang at the door, and jihyun runs in and immediately grabs for your arm. the withdrawals of being refused the elixir hits you, and you briefly wonder how long it had been since you’ve been given it. for one, it looks like jihyun’s hair is greasy, like it hasn’t been washed for days, and he’s got blood all over him and you’re sure that’s the most blood you’ve seen for a while. usually, you’re looking at yourself in the mirror, taking in the bruises blossoming on your skin, seeing the dried blood around the cuts, a mix of them being inflicted by rika, and then some self-inflicted.

maybe you’re a little messed up - but you don’t care. it feels good.

you’re absent from the world, but jihyun is eventually guiding you outside of the building, tugging you into a car where saeyoung is waiting, and you’re out. the car is moving and you can hear yelling outside of the car, your fingers finding their way to your arm and scratching until red lines of irritation appear, and jihyun gently grabs your hands, and keeps them away.

...

it feels as if each time you wake up, you’re in a new place. 

this place feels familiar, though, because the fireplace is back and you’re covered by the same blanket, and you’re too warm to want to move. gradually it becomes hotter, and you think you’re about to throw up until saeyoung pulls you up and your head is moved over to a sick bowl, and your suspicions were only right, and you throw up.

a copious amount of blood is in with the rest of it, and you want to vomit all over again just from the sight, but instead you start crying and saeyoung pulls you into him. the heat makes you uncomfortable, but his hand starts to move through your hair, his fingers rubbing soothing circles when he reaches the back of your neck. it’s clear he’s put the bowl down by now.

when the nausea isn’t there any longer, you manage a small whine and ask the question that’s been on your mind since you woke up.

“where is rika?”

saeyoung stops, and his fingers pull back and he leans back, his hands now on your shoulders. he takes in your appearance, and then sighs heavily. he’d hoped that it wouldn’t have gone this far, that you wouldn’t have fallen for rika. he feels like he’s going through his brothers death all over again, because you’re so absent that he can’t even see  _you_ anymore.

“she’s gone. you’re safe.”

he says that she’s safe, but he doesn’t believe it himself. 

...

frustrated, you feel like you're fighting a losing game. you're fighting hard against the pain and nausea, with saeyoung and jihyun around you trying to help you out. but you're angry, and you fight back against  _them_ because you can't fight yourself. 

when you're throwing up, you reach out and hit saeyoung when he tries to bring you water. 

when you're crying, jihyun tries to ground you by putting his hands on your shoulder and you scream, pushing him away. you're not looking at him by the time he crashes into the wall. you walk out.

you don't even know when vanderwood comes back, but he doesn't say anything to you, and he doesn't seem to want to come near you after he sees how you've reacted to being touched, so he stays across the room but watches each move, sees when you have a nightmare, when you wake up breathing hard and scratching your arms again.

it's the only time he comes to you, and sets water and paracetamol on the table. you never take it, but you can't help but appreciate the attempt.

...

you’re laying down and jihyun is next to you on his chair again, reading a book in silence. it’s almost funny, until you feel dizzy just from moving your head. it doesn’t feel as hazy as it had been, but it still feels heavy. jihyun notices and sets the book down, his hand on your forehead. he seems to be pondering for a moment before he nods a little.

“the fever is going down a little bit,” he says, and you can’t help but be confused. fever? 

“the elixir is probably starting to wear off now.” he clarifies, though it mostly seems like he’s trying to convince himself of that. you can feel your hands shaking though, so perhaps he’s right. the last time rika stopped your dosages, you had entered a painful withdrawal, so now that you think about it it did feel a lot like this.

“i feel a little bit funny.”

“you will,” he says, and his hand takes on the same route as saeyoung’s had, running through your hair. your head isn't as sensitive as before, you muse, so you allow it.

jihyun looks a lot better than when you'd seen him last, his hair was no longer greasy and the blood was gone. there were a few cuts on his hands and such, but he looked fine in general. 

“the elixir isn’t very nice to anyone after they stop taking it. but you will recover soon enough,” he tells you, smiling softly. “i’m sure your head feels better by now. i’m sorry we couldn’t come sooner.” guilt is written all over his face, in his voice, and in the way he’s acting. 

“i miss rika.”

his eyes become sad for a moment, and his hand stops. he doesn’t know what to say in return.

what you didn’t add was that you missed the way she hurt you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this while I had a fever myself, so forgive any mistakes and such. I double checked as much as I could before heading off to sleep. Stay tuned for the final part.


	4. the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> read the warning below. it is important. here's the last chapter.

**PLEASE NOTE.**

**If you are sensitive to the following triggers; nsfw scenes, graphic overdose, death**

**Please do not read on. I will post an alternative (less graphic, if requested) version when I have time. For now, here's the ending.**

**...**

in your defense, you don’t know when jihyun and you started to sleep together, but sometimes it’s not enough to hear his heavy breaths in your ear, and you start trying to introduce pain in each session. you don’t know if you like him, but you definitely don’t like how he’s still avoiding inflicting pain on you. when you beg him, he looks guilty and pretends like he doesn’t hear you. it frustrates you. you dig your fingers into your palm just to feel anything. when he cums, you pretend.

he doesn’t listen to you, and when you wake up to find out it’s 3am, you just crawl out of bed and wander slowly towards the bathroom. your eyes trail along the walls until your gaze falls onto the medicine cabinet. you swallow thickly and reach to open it, but it’s locked. it’s usually like this, but for the first time you’d hoped that it had been left. you grit your teeth and leave the bathroom, scratching firm lines into your wrist with your nails as you set yourself back down against the bed.

for months, you’ve started a pattern. the day was quiet, and then from anywhere after dinner you’d bring jihyun to bed, or to the kitchen against the wall, anywhere - you’d beg to be hurt, and he wouldn’t comply. you started to find other ways to hurt yourself, when jihyun wasn’t home you’d touch yourself but you’d have a knife in your hand, scratching the flat edge of the knife over your own throat. 

sometimes you wonder what a vision it’d be, for jihyun to come back through the door and see you dead, bleeding out, or even straight afterwards, choking on your own blood.

you almost want to do it each time, but you don’t.

perhaps some part of you is still afraid. 

...

saeran comes to visit you in your dreams again. however, this time he’s dark, he’s wearing a suit and you know that it isn’t ray. you smile in your dream, and he’s immediately on you, slapping you, telling you how much of a  _slut_ you are, how  _good_ and beautiful you are for him. you can’t help but buck your hips, and when you wake up and you’re back in the real world, away from saeran, aware he’s dead and gone, you cry.

you’re losing your mind. you know that, but you can’t stop it. every day, you’re falling and rika is on your mind, you want her hands around your throat. your hands can’t provide the pleasure that hers did. you spend time testing it yourself, trying to choke yourself, but you always stop before you can pass out because your body is  _fighting_ itself.

jihyun finds you in your room one day, your hands gripping the fabric of one of his black ties and you’re trying to choke yourself with that, but he stops you before you can even enjoy it. it’s the closest you’ve gotten to not being able to control it, not being able to take it off because of how tight it was, but he’s there  _again_ and this time you scream in irritation, though it’s hoarse and jihyun thinks you’re crying.

you punch him this time, but you don’t stop there - because you have him on the ground and it’s like you’ve become  _her_ , but jihyun just stares at you with some agony in his eyes, weariness grounding him and not letting him go whilst you hit and scream at him.

when you’re calm, he is silent as you stand and leave the room. you stalk to the kitchen, bring out a knife, and consider it.

consider what? your head hurts with trying to understand why you were here. why do you have a knife? someone takes the knife. you look around and saeran is standing there. but he has red hair and he’s wearing glasses.

“let’s get you to bed.”

saeran guides you to the spare room, lays you down, tucks you in, and leaves.

...

“we need to take her to someone that knows what to do, v.”

jihyun grits his teeth, a bruise slowly starting to form under his cheek. he doesn’t want to. just like with rika, he’s going to kill you, and he can’t even save you from something that you’ve created. 

“v, please. i know that you want to help her, but she’s completely ruining you. she’s killing herself. we need to find her help. vanderwood suggested this too, when this all began. we’ve given you months to help her, but-”

“i know!” jihyun’s outburst is sudden, but it closes saeyoung’s mouth and it gives jihyun a moment longer to think over his words. now that the silence is here, it’s killing him, and he just wants to fix everything. 

jihyun’s eyes are filling with unshed tears, the past few months having made him lose sleep, made him sensitive to conversation, and he’s wondering if maybe whilst getting you help, he could get himself some too. saeyoung used to be enough, but now it seems like saeyoung can’t even reach him.

“i know she needs help.” he starts, voice shaking. “but i don’t know if she wants it. and you’re going to tell me it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t want it, but... but it does.” 

saeyoung ponders for a moment.

“then take her back home. being in this place for more than a week suffocated me, perhaps she just needs to go home.”

jihyun looks at him, and he runs his hand through his hair. saeyoung has a point. if he brings you home, perhaps it’ll ease you back into the one he knew.

“what if it doesn’t work?”

“then it’s not your fault. v, you’re taking too much on. you can step back. if you’d rather me do it, then i will do it. i can’t watch you get hurt anymore.”

jihyun shakes his head, and thinks back to before you were taken. your messages were sweet, and his mind still thinks of you that way. your gentle laughter through the phone. he misses hearing it. now he just hears your pain, and sees the tears as they fall.

he wants you to smile.

“i’ll do it. i have to.”

...

jihyun has been making you pack all day. you don’t understand why, but when you’re done, he finally explains that you’re leaving and you’re going back home with him. your grip tightens on your suitcase, and you look out the window. he notices, places his palm against your cheek and makes you look at him.

he sees the tears before you say anything.

“do i have to?”

he nods.

...

it’s how you start to wonder, showing up on your own doorstep, how long it’d been since you were here.

jihyun lets you in and you move immediately towards the bedroom, your hand reaching out for the sizeable plushie in the corner of your room. you don’t remember when you last held this, and you start sobbing, finally feeling somewhat at home. finally feeling comfortable.

jihyun watches you, starting to wonder if saeyoung was right. too soon, he allows himself to believe you’re fine.

you allow him to think that, you start walking around him, pretending to be happy during the day. at night, you still ask for him to hurt you, but now you can control your voice to be gentler and calmer, that he actually complies now. it’s nothing compared to rika’s pain, but you allow yourself to bask in the pressure around your throat again. this time, when jihyun cums, you do, too.

you smile each time before you fall asleep, and wonder how far you can push him to hurt you before you get out of bed. it doesn’t go much further than gentle pressure and barely there slaps against your body, but it’s enough. you let yourself believe it’s enough.

during the day, you allow him to return to normal. you eat together, you bathe together, and though you still have moments of panic, and the breakdown begins again, he tries to help. it ends the same, with jihyun leaving with another bruise.

you’re starting to wonder if you’re becoming rika, or if jihyun is becoming rika.

it confuses you.

you want to die.

...

the medicine cabinet here is unlocked, you’re happy to notice. jihyun isn’t home for a few hours. you’d managed to force him to leave, and you can practically feel rika’s fingers around your throat again, and you’re smiling as you search through the piles of medicine in there. 

you grab the pills the doctor had prescribed you only a week before, so they were still completely full. you read the instructions, the information on the side that no one usually reads.

without putting much thought to it, you start to swallow them one after the other, but on the fifteenth pill you’re wondering if this is the right thing to do. it’s been about five minutes and you’re still not particularly sure if it’s working. ten minutes pass and you feel a little dizzy, but otherwise fine. 

you’re getting angry. you hit the thirtieth tablet before anything actually happens, and your stomach is burning with the need to vomit the concotion of painkillers and antidepressants out. you’re on your back, though, trying to hold the vomit in and it’s hard to move anyway. you’re somewhat sluggish, but you’re wondering if perhaps this would even be enough. you fight to roll onto your front, and you reach the bathtub.  _please let me die_.

your hands slip a few times, but you grab for the razor. you’re crying, but you’re also laughing weakly. you want to use the razor but it’s like you can’t see where it touches, so you end up dropping it, leaning back against the tub and coughing hard, your body trying harder to throw up. the toilet is tempting, it’s right there, but the pills have to stay down.

you look to the clock.

3am.

_you’re nearly there._

you smile. rika.

 _i love you_.

saeran.

the door to the apartment opens, and you feel goosebumps form all over your body. you don’t respond. hopefully jihyun will think you’re out.

the door is locked anyway.

you slump against the floor and the nausea ebbs away. your eyes slowly close and you  _swear_ you can feel two sets of hands on your back, before you lose consiousness and everything goes dark.

...

jihyun looks at your gravestone. 

he says nothing.

that night, saeyoung recieves a call that jihyun was found in a river, and had already passed away.

saeyoung doesn’t cry. he answers with hesitation. “i understand. i’ll be there soon.”

and that’s it.

...

without you, or jihyun, saeyoung forces himself to close the rfa messenger. it’s sad, but with no leader, with none of them even entering the messenger, what’s the point?

the rfa doesn’t contact each other, aside from the occasional texts from jumin, and saeyoung responding when his agency didn’t hold him back from it.

on the anniversary, saeyoung reaches the graves and sets two bouquets of flowers down, stands back up and smiles.

“how are things up there? you know, i almost wanted to join you both that day. learning that both of you were gone...” saeyoung smiles, though he’s upset. “thank you so much, jihyun. for taking her home. for trying. i know that saeran would have appreciated it. i hope you got to see her happy for a short while.”

he sets his phone down on the graves, and kneels down whilst he’s at it, running his fingers over the smooth surfaces of the stones.

he reads your name, and then jihyun’s.

“i hope you’re both happy now. this was... one of the most hardest routes to take, wasn’t it?” he removes his hands from the stones and looks at his phone. “i’m sorry.”

is it to you, who suffered the most? is it to jihyun, who could only watch as you fell apart? or is it to the rfa, who had to deal with the aftermath? 

“i am so sorry.”

...

**_reset_.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for reading. i'm not going to lie, i was hesitant about posting this at all. i'm nervous in general, but i hope this managed to clear up a few things in this entire story.
> 
> if you still have any questions, feel free to IM, or even just comment them below in case anyone else has questions that are of similar nature.
> 
> i apologise for potential harm caused, but please remember i did warn about the triggers of each chapter, and i never intended to hurt anyone, or even upset anyone. i did my best to avoid anyone nervous about triggers to warn them. please talk to me, or someone if you feel like you need to.
> 
> finally, thank you for sticking with me through this. i've never written anything longer than one chapter as you can tell on my profile, but this is it. and it's kind of sad, but i'm upset this is ending. i like to write for this fandom.
> 
> perhaps next time, i can write something happier.
> 
> thank you for reading, and for wasting your time with me. i love you all. be safe. xo


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